Monday, February 2, 2009

ASK A LESBIAN: "Sleeping with Straight Girls"


Straight girls: what is their deal? Can you be a straight girl and still be a feminist? Is being a straight girl a politics or a lifestyle? But most importantly: What happens when straight girls start sleeping with lesbians?




^^^ can u spot the str8 girl?



One little known fact is that straight girls actually sleep with lesbians all the time. On the other end of the spectrum, sometimes you have particular lesbians--such as AJ's girlfriend--who then go and, like, have all this sex with dudes. So is my girlfriend a lesbian or a straight girl? Furthermore, AJ has become increasingly aware of a particular demographic known as "queer women," which is basically a self-referential term that is used by some straight girls who on occasion like to mack with lesbians.


All of this is just to say that the more research he does, the more AJ finds the line between straight girl and lesbian to be a fine and fuzzy one indeed. As a matter of fact, since AJ is fortunate enough to have not only a lesbian expert in residence but also a str8 girl friend who desires advice on how to proceed with sleeping with her current lesbian, it seemed only obvious that I should put them in conversation with each other. (Which is to say that this installment of AAL features not only real live lesbian advice but also the genuine questions of the str8 girl community.)


So, to explore the issue further, lolAJ is pleased dedicate this particular "Ask a Lesbian" to questions about the relationship between lesbians and heterosexual women -- IN BED. Fortunately, lolAJ's resident lesbian expert Nell has a lot of experience sleeping with straight girls and she has volunteered to share her insight with the rest of us. Neway, let's get on with it.



STR8 GIRLS WANT TO KNOW:


Dear Nell,


As a st8 girl I operated under the basic assumption that all lesbians wanted to have sex with me. Now I don't even know if this is the case! N8ll, how do you know if a lesbian wants to have s8x with you?


Sincerely,

str8 not n8rrow



Dear str8 but not n8rrow,


You may not know the secret signals of of the sapphic sect, but you probably know how to flirt. So try that with your lesbian of choice, and see if she responds in kind. Also I think you are using that 8 improperly.


Helpfully yours,

Nell


-----------------------------


Dear Nell,


How queer-identified is too queer-identified... for the first date?


Sincerely,

str8 outta tha closet



Dear Str8,


You should walk a fine line between implying that you've always been a secret queer... and that this is a totally new world to which your lesbian friend is introducing you. That will make said lesbian feel both secure in your queerness and like a player who deserves a really shiny toaster.

helpfully yours,

Nell


---------------------

Dear Nell,

Can I say dykey? All of a sudden I feel like I can't. Even though i did like FIFTEEN TIMES today to describe like everything i did. 8.


Sincerely,

str8 is gr8



Dear Breeder,


Your new found sensitivity about homo-slang is endearing, but unnecessary. Go on using it in any and all ways you find useful.


Helpfully yours,

Nell

[eds. note: Nell, that is horrible advice!]


------------------------------


Dear Nelly,

So like whaddo I do? I guess I can't just lie there anymore.


Sincerely,

Scared str8



OK stop the presses. In a somewhat unorthodox move, AJ's going to take the reins in replying to this one, because it speaks directly to his life experience on the lesbian continuum.



Dear Str8,


As it so happens, there is in fact a subspecies of lesbian for whom "just lie there" is precisely their distinguishing modus operandi. These lesbians are the first cousins of straight girls and are known as "femmes" or "bottoms," which are synonymous terms (occasionally you will happen across an extremely rare breed of lesbian known as the "butch bottom," but that is typically considered a crime against nature). Now, it might strike you as "unbalanced," "unfair," or even "aping heteropatriarchal relations" to have just one lesbian doing all the work in the bedroom, but femmes are possessed of a remarkable phenomenon known as "wiles," which nearly all butches are powerless to resist. As a result of a femme's "wiles," a typical butch is not simply willing but rather indescribably eager to perform all the labor of sexual relations while the femme just lies there the whole time. 



helpfully yours!

AJ


Nell, what is your characteristically pithy advice?


Dear Str8,


The universal motto of lesbianism instructs, "communication is really important" ... So, you know, just ask your lesbian friend what her pleasure is and... how to accomplish that particular sexual act.


Helpfully,

Nell.



----------------------------------------


OK I THINK WE ALL LEARNED A LOT TODAY. Adulations and phone numbers can be provided to Nell via the comments section of this post.


Yours in Sisterhood,

AJ



20 comments:

shawn said...

lol. okay, i think this one is kind've epic.

Anna said...

that was 8wesome. best ev8r

AJ said...
This comment has been removed by the author.
r said...

definitely beat wikipedia:lesbian sex. not..that..i did that

AJ said...

ya this post is basically my gesamtkunstwerk. nell helped too.

whatilike said...

was this post supposed to be ironic...if so you lost me.

if lindsey likes girls and guys would that make her not straight or lesbian, but bisexual?

Natt Nightly said...

Well, I want, more than anything, to believe that this post is incredibly sarcastic and that no one is taking it seriously. But just in case:

STR8 GIRLS WANT TO KNOW:


As a st8 girl I operated under the basic assumption that all lesbians wanted to have sex with me. Now I don't even know if this is the case! N8ll, how do you know if a lesbian wants to have s8x with you?

Sincerely,
str8 not n8rrow



First off, in the same way that you don’t want to sleep with every male-bodied person you see, not all people attracted to female-bodied people want to sleep with you. To believe otherwise would be to embody narcissism to an extreme. Yes, we would all like to believe that everyone wants us all the time. But the reality is, they often don’t.

Generally, women who desire other women will flirt with other people they know identify that way. This is not to say that there are not lesbians who sleep with women who identify as straight, but it’s generally not the preferred way to go. It ultimately leads to drama and a lot of explaining about what just happened to the identity your partner had as a straight person and whether or not that’s in jeopardy. And often as not, the best that will come of it is an intensely emotional period of bonding because this person was involved in a radical new experience.

All that said, desire is fluid. You can’t always assume that just because a person has always slept with female bodied people or male-bodied people that they’re going to continue in that way. If someone is flirting with you, and you have desire for them, flirt back. It’s a pretty good indication they’re interested.

-Natt

-----------------------------


How queer-identified is too queer-identified... for the first date?

Sincerely,
str8 outta tha closet



Well, it depends on who you’re on the date with. Queer means a lot of things to a lot of people. Many people see it as a particular set of politics or a gender identity in addition to a sexual identity. Everyone has a few identities they’re comfortable with. Your queerness is your own, and someone identifying as lesbian or dyke or fag or femme or gay or genderqueer or any other number of things will do so for their own reasons. Talking about it on a first date can be a really interesting way to learn more about your partner and where they stand in relation to their sense of self sexually, politically, and gender-wise. Alternately, you may find that they’ve never really thought about those things, or felt the need to, in which case, again, you have a good conversation starter.

Natt

---------------------

Can I say dykey? All of a sudden I feel like I can't. Even though i did like FIFTEEN TIMES today to describe like everything i did. 8.

Sincerely,
str8 is gr8



Dear Breeder,

Your new found sensitivity about homo-slang is endearing, but unnecessary. Go on using it in any and all ways you find useful.

Helpfully yours,
Nell
[eds. note: Nell, that is horrible advice!]

Okay, I just agree with that. What exactly makes something dykey? It would sound completely weird if someone went around saying God, that’s such a straight thing to do! There’s something to be said here about the reclaiming of a word as something empowered versus the appropriation of a word just for the sake of humor or because it seems like the appropriate thing to do. Think about what you’re calling “dykey.” Why does the word apply to those actions/situation? What assumptions might you be making about “dykes?” – Natt

------------------------------


So like whaddo I do? I guess I can't just lie there anymore.

Sincerely,
Scared str8



OK stop the presses. In a somewhat unorthodox move, AJ's going to take the reins in replying to this one, because it speaks directly to his life experience on the lesbian continuum.


Dear Str8,

As it so happens, there is in fact a subspecies of lesbian for whom "just lie there" is precisely their distinguishing modus operandi. These lesbians are the first cousins of straight girls and are known as "femmes" or "bottoms," which are synonymous terms (occasionally you will happen across an extremely rare breed of lesbian known as the "butch bottom," but that is typically considered a crime against nature). Now, it might strike you as "unbalanced," "unfair," or even "aping heteropatriarchal relations" to have just one lesbian doing all the work in the bedroom, but femmes are possessed of a remarkable phenomenon known as "wiles," which nearly all butches are powerless to resist. As a result of a femme's "wiles," a typical butch is not simply willing but rather indescribably eager to perform all the labor of sexual relations while the femme just lies there the whole time.


helpfully yours!
AJ

Oh wow… unpacking this one’s a doozy! I’ll start with the question. Well, if you’ve gotten to the point where you’re in bed with a female bodied person, I’m going to assume that you want to be there. What do you do when you’re in bed with other partners? Explore your partner’s body; it’s okay, you’re allowed. What drew you to this person in such a strong way that you wanted to connect physically with them? Sex is about interaction… or it should be. Your partner is there to be with you and enjoy this. You should feel free to do the same.

Now the answer… first of all, femme=bottom is an extremely dangerous road to go down. It reinforces heternomative gender stereotypes within the realm of female-bodied people who sleep with other female-bodied people, and completely oversimplifies sexual identities, relegating everyone to the realms of butch or femme. While these ARE identities within the community, they are by no means the only two. Also, they are just as often about gender as they are about sexuality, and the two are not synonymous. How a person identifies gender-wise is a separate matter from who, how, and what they desire in a sexual partner.

A person who presents a more masculine face to the world may very well enjoy climbing into bed with a partner and experiencing sex in a way that they feel affirms their femininity. And a person who presents to the world in a way that may appear to align with more traditional “femininity” may enjoy wielding power in the bedroom and being the “top.” Also, sex being a celebration of your partner’s body, I refer you to the earlier comment about what draws you to a person, or to perhaps a female body. These things all play into a sexual encounter.

I acknowledge that there are female-bodied people who identify as femme and feel most comfortable in a “bottom” role, and there are “butch” identified persons who feel most comfortable being “tops.” There is nothing wrong with those things. A top may chose to be with a bottom because they gain great pleasure from being able to please their partner. And a bottom may find that they gain great pleasure from submitting to the desire of their partner and empowering them. In this kind of interaction, it’s not about one person lying there and the other being tricked into “doing all the work. ” It’s a constant give and take, sometimes focused on power, submission, and relating to you partner in ways that will give them pleasure as well as you.

-Natt

Tina-cious.com said...

I second Natt's emotion.

I sincerely hope I'm misunderstanding the intention of this post.

AJ said...

Hmm. I feel like I’ve been inadvertently trolling a lot of ppl over the last couple months so I guess I’ll take a damage reduction approach…

It is a joke. The opinions expressed in this post are, of course, utterly ludicrous (that is why it is supposed to be funny--the post attempts to use absurdity as a comedic tool). As a blog produced by and for members of the queer community, lolAJ’s main project around queerness is twofold: first, this blog hopes to humorously elucidate some of the wonkier foibles of LGBT culture from an insider’s perspective; and second--and more importantly--this blog attempts to use sarcasm and hyperbole in order to satirize mainstream discourses on sexuality (by which I mean both heteronormative and homonormative ones). Basically, this blog tries to be Stephen Colbert only for queers.

Ultimately, AJ believes that humor is a potent political tool and it is my hope that lolAJ will promote LGBT justice by making queer people everywhere LOL. AJ does not, however, desire that queer people be offended by his blog (though he understands that its contents are often irreverent), so he encourages anyone who might feel insulted or offended to send their thoughts to my email: lolajblog at gmail dot com. AJ appreciates feedback and criticism and feels that email is a more appropriate venue through which to engage in substantive conversations around the political content and comedic strategies of lolAJ.

AJ said...

well i mean i guess if ppl want to talk about the politics of satire in the comments section, feel free, you might just harsh my buzz a little.

what i meant is its a little easier for me to respond comprehensively to an issue in an email than in one of these tiny comments boxes.

also nell tots didn't want me to throw any of our trolled readers a bone lol. she was basically like it is not your problem they don't have a sense of humor. that is harsh, nell! it is aj's belief that every queer deserves a bone now and again.

Natt said...

@AJ

Thanks for the clarification. I looked around a little for something on the blog to give me context, but I might have missed it.

Satire is definitely harder to pull off online, and I fully appreciate it as a tool for dialogue and potentially social change.

I know the comment was a but rant-esque. You don't always know who's joking and who's serious. That was the concern. (See "Missing the Satire" above)

Kyle said...

I saw it as a satire/spoof right away, but as my esteemed collegue Natt pointed out to me, others reading it might not get that. I laughed out loud, so I appreciated what you were doing on that level. On the other hand, so many people are clueless, they might not have seen how over the top you went.

But hey, look at all the great comments you're getting :-)

AJ said...

well i think that is like, the main criticism that is leveled against the use of satire as a political tool -- it threatens to be misinterpreted (ie, the joke gets "missed") and thus ends up reproducing the very things it's trying to critique. like, when the characters on south park call everything gay, is that a satirically hilarious critique of the inane homophobia of much youth culture, or does it just end up reinforcing the notion in the minds of 5th graders everywhere that it's cool to talk like that. IT IS A CONUNDRUM.

AJ feels that satire raises interesting questions about how authorial intent is insufficient in producing the meaning of a text! but maybe a cultural studies person has more to say about that. i rest easy by reassuring myself that my blog only gets read by funny intelligent queer and trans ppl and not dumb racist homophobes. what?

but what i really want to know is how the hell did all of you end up reading lolAJ?

nellyg said...

yeah, when there are random comment responses to our little inside jokes, it sure is a wake up call and reminder that the internet is really a very big place. hellooooo the internet. i wonder if this post will be coming up under a search for "lesbians and str8 girls" and maybe will even become the definitive internet text on the subject. i would feel so... bad. cause really, i took about 5 minutes to write up my "ask a lesbian" responses and thought they were funny, but not *that* funny.

AJ said...

hey, i like to think the appeal of lolAJ is a bit broader than that of a "little inside joke"!!

also as i already told you, don't downplay your creative labor, nellsy. we all know you worked long and hard on generating that advice.

r said...

ask a l8sbian has clarified so much for me. clearly i am way too funny to be gay

Sublimefemme said...

"but what i really want to know is how the hell did all of you end up reading lolAJ?"

I belive that's because of me. http://sublimefemme.wordpress.com/2009/02/05/femmebottom-and-other-myths/ I have a finely tuned femmedar that is able to detect random posts about lesbian gender, butch-femme, and queer femininity the web. I hope you'll read my post and the comments it generated on my blog.

@nellyg I really appreciate your comment. And yes, you're probably right that clueless newbies will stumble across your site and make an entirely different set of conclusions from those intended.

THe bottom line is that none of us is in control of how our words are interpreted/used once they are published on the internet. I discovered this first hand when my own (feminist, pro-queer, leftist)work theorizing high femme was appropriated by a postmodernist anti-feminist neocon. **Really** annoying.

That said, I do think it's important to provide a context for the ideas we are putting out there in the world, not only because so many people rely upon the internet for information but also for more selfish reasons--after all, don't we want people to "get" what we're doing? Like Natt, I looked at your site for some info describing your project but couldn't find any.

SF

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